Archive for July,
it! - L33T
for a long time:
A study by the University of New Hampshire of
college students says women are as violent as men toward their partners.
The Family Research Laboratory study suggests that when only one
partner is violent, it is twice as likely to be the woman.
guys, if she's abusing you (assuming you sick assholes aren't into being
beaten), you need to stand up for yourself. If you're too much of a pussy to
fight back (or just don't feel like being sued and shunned by society for the
rest of your life), divorce her. But never EVER mention to anyone that she beat
the living hell out of you regularly... Otherwise, you may receive a lot of
May Cry... Again -
I just found
out today that a Devil May Cry sequel is in the works to be released this
winter. Those of you unfamiliar with the original DMC, you HAVE TO CHECK IT
OUT. It is quite possibly one of the coolest games I've ever played on the PS2.
Easy mode is great if you just want to hack and slash a ton (and I do mean ton)
of enemies for a bit. The harder levels are hardcore for those gaming nights
when you feel that you must accomplish something. Anyway, I'm stoked
about a sequel (I watched the preview and almost passed out with excitement)
and can't wait to see the finished product. Rock on...
shoot me... or not -
This is why we shouldn't let stupid people anywhere near a toolbox
and/or a patent office. Complete lunacy, and here's why:
weapon would be stored with the Safety Bullet in the firing chamber. If the gun
is accidentally fired, say by a kid fooling around, the bullet would cause gun
to harmlessly jam.
Please tell me you people see the problem
already. No? Fine, I'll spell it out. The gun isn't going to be able to
decipher which shots are accidental and which are intended I'm assuming. So,
let's say a robber breaks into your house... You instinctively reach for the
gun in your nightstand, lean up, pull the trigger and... Damn, my gun's jammed.
"Mr. Robber/Serial Killer, would you hold on one second while I remove my handy
safety-bullet from my now jammed and useless gun?" In other words, it really
sucks to be you about then. Please, people, THINK before you try and get your
let's-invent-something groove on. It'll save you from public humiliation such
Brilliance, sheer brilliance - L33T
I think I'm going to cry. This is just so *sniff*
Man, that mofo's just screamin' "Take me, take
me now..." Yeah, you know
you want it.
Hillary "Asshat" Clinton strikes again (still off-target)
Sen. Hillary Clinton said yesterday
that President Bush and congressional Republicans have squandered the economic
gains made when her husband was President. Uhhh.. How about no. All Bill
Clinton did was reap the economic benefits of the Reagan administration.
Please, Hillary, your husband let the dishonesty in corporate America flourish
and thrive with no hindrance whatsoever. And that's what the current economic
decline has stemmed from. So, if you get right down to it, it's really your
asshat husband's fault, not the current president who has actually made
corporations take RESPONSIBILITY (something you liberals aren't very good at
taking) for themselves. Oh yeah, you're ugly too.
Bears, Profits, oh my! -
maker! The stock market got a nice little boost today. INVEST people. It's the
only way to work our way out of the economic funk we've been in. Make a change
and go buy stocks today! Which brings me to my next item on the
world-domination list: a L33twords IPO. What do you guys think? I know I
provide no product and/or tangible service (unless your laughter right now is
considered tangible), but I think an initial public offering of stock in
l33twords is just the thing to get the American economy back on its feet. I am
the ultimate dot-com stock. Why you ask? Because, on top of offering no real
product, I also am NOT EVEN A DOT-COM. Though I am working hard on that small
detail. And I truly am thinking about offering some l33t items (T-shirts,
mousepads, etc). Any thoughts?
Activism, Schmactivism - L33T
For those of you liberal asshats who don't think Bush gives a
flyin-acrobatic-flip about poverty and hunger overseas.. Take a look at
Another Fine Piece Of Ass - L33T
Poor Ms. North Carolina. It's complete ass that she felt
compelled to withdraw after her ex-psycho-boyfriend showed involuntarily-nude
(involuntary as in the perv ran in on her changing and snapped the shots)
pictures of her. I've been thinking about how much it sucks for her and I've
finally figured out a solution. I propose a new section of the Ms. America
Pagent: The nude photo contest. It can go at the end of the program to attract
more viewers (aka: lonely horny males) and it can be a contest to see who
really looks the best under those ever-so-revealing swimsuits. Now, who doesn't
like that idea? I mean, hell, if we're going to exploit 50 women on a stage,
why not go all the way with it? We can get Hugh Hefner to judge that portion of
the program as well. Call the agencies, I think this idea's a true
Fine Piece Of Ass -
Check out the
Z4 Roadster... How incredibly HOT is that?
I told you she had an awesome ass... *sniff* They just don't
make 'em like that anymore. Wait.. They DO make 'em like that!
Clinton back to being an asshat - L33T
Yeah, I knew his moment of l33tness couldn't last forever. Now he's
claiming that people blaming his administration for the corporate corruption
are off-base. I'm sorry, Bill, I must have forgot that you did so much to stop
companies like Enron and WorldCom from being asshats... Uh, wait, no you
didn't. You had eight freakin' years to uncover that stuff. And you didn't. And
blaming the Republican party for your turning a blind eye to corporate
corruption is just hypocritical on your part. "It's not fair for them to blame
me for something I could have so easily done something about, so I'll blame
them too." Where were you for the eight years in which Enron did most of its
major growth? And you think Republicans are big-business oriented? Well, you
are right about one thing (and this is taken completely out of context for
satirical purposes), "I actually tried to do something about it, and their
party stopped it." That's right, our party did stop it. And only in two years.
You tried, we succeeded. MAJOR difference.
randomness.. Gotta love it -
I'm going to have recurring nightmares for the rest of my
me, Uncle Jackie -
finished watching The Legend Of Drunken Master with good ole Uncle Jackie Chan
in it. It's so old school and hardcore, kids, you should check it out. It's off
the scale on l33tness. The dubbing is alright too, so it doesn't come off too
badly. Of course, it is all about the big bad evil corporations trying to steal
the culture and history of other nationalities to sell to the highest bidder...
But it's JACKIE CHAN! So, I can forgive that one liberal shortcoming. Check it
out, and make it a Blockbuster night!
the Beach - L33T
I drove down to the beach in Biloxi
today and was completely overwhelmed by the enormous numbers of completely ugly
women there. I honestly don't understand it. I mean, I'd be find if the ugly,
obese women kept their ugliness and obesity TO THEMSELVES. But instead they
insist on wearing a string bikini and flimsy little top that only accentuates
the overall nastiness factor. I kid you not, I layed there in my chair for SIX
WHOLE HOURS and I saw perhaps a grand total of TWO even remotely attractive,
in-shape women. Someone explain to me where all the beach-honeys have gone? It
was a Saturday at one of the hottest beaches in Mississippi. I can't wait to
trip out to California. The incredibly beautiful women seem to flow like milk
and honey over there...
Now now, you didn't think I'd leave you
empty-handed on a weekend did you?
Truth Is Out There -
all I have to say about
this little gem. This is quite possibly the truest analysis of
modern-politics I've ever read. You kids enjoy... Try and learn
promised... - L33T
Alright, I'm not going to post a link
to the site until the end of this rant, because it could possibly take awhile
to get through with this liberal piece of crap. I'm going to post it segment by
segment, so hopefully you get the entire piece here for the most part. Without
further ado, the biggest piece of Asshatness ever to be posted here on
Attention Deficit Democracy
We are always told that if we are to uncover the "conspiracy
then we must always follow the trail of money. The United States has spent
nearly 400 billion dollars on weapons of mass destruction with nearly 6 billion
of it used in the fight against terror. This gargantuan amount of money is
being allocated for mass slaughter when it could be used to eliminate poverty
and to educate people.
Not when a single rocket costs more
than that just to MAKE, moron. According to
a study at the Brookings Institute it costed more than 400
billion dollars in 1996 just to BUILD a nuclear weapon. It costs even more to
deploy it. Now, is it just me, or is the dollar now worth LESS? Or has the
recent financial news been a complete figment of my imagination. A lower dollar
means that a single nuclear weapon now costs a lot MORE than 400 billion
dollars. So, yeah... Or, no I should say.
all because of a one day event.
A one-day wonder.
If anyone was to suggest
that 9/11- should change nothing in the United states they would be more than
likely be dismissed as a mad fool. They would be accused of supporting the
ramming of planes into tall skyscrapers.
The madness lies in the
accusation. The madness lies in the uninformed huffing and puffing that I hear
coming out of the mouths of conservative bootlickers of the fascist
Once again, exactly where the hell do you get off? If
anything 9/11 (I hate calling it that) changed America for the better. I've
never seen such national support all at once from ALL the people. Suddenly, it
was cool again to be American. We all had the flag proudly displayed again in
every car window and in every home across the nation. People wore t-shirts
showing support for the FDNY. It was AMAZING. And if you want to blame that on
the "conservative bootlickers" feel free. We'd be more than glad to take
responsibility for the re-introduction of pride in the U.S.
"This is total war. We are fighting a variety of enemies.
There are lots of them out there ... If we just let our vision of the world go
forth, and we embrace it entirely, and we don't try to piece together clever
diplomacy but just wage a total war, our children will sing great songs about
us years from now."
However it is sad to say that Bin laden, Hussein,
or even Hitler did not make this statement.
An American made
Richard Perle, an adviser to President Bush made that delightful
Adviser my ass.
Village Voice reports him as a traveler who has no part in the government.
Oh, and Perle didn't say that. He was only moderating the conference it was
said at. It was really a man named Michael Ledeen who spoke the words you
attribute to THE WRONG MAN.
In 1979 President
Jimmy Carter gave Secret orders for something called "Operation Cyclone." The
Idea was to give the CIA $4 billion U.S. Tax payer Dollars to create an Islamic
terrorist organization. The coaches of Operation Cyclone recruited the
candidates at an Islamic college in Brooklyn, New York and then trained
terrorists at camps in Pakistan and in Virginia.
The purpose of course
was to train these men to fight for us and remove the scourge of the evil
empire. Later statements such as this praised their machinations of
"Throughout the world its agents, client states and satellites
are on the defensive - on the moral defensive, the intellectual defensive, and
the political and economic defensive. Freedom movements arise and assert
themselves. They're doing so on almost every continent populated by man in the
hills of Afghanistan, in Angola, in Kampuchea, in Central America ... They are
Did the Ayatollah Khomenni make this statement? Abu
Nidal? Saddam Hussein? Was it made by bin Laden?
The statement was made by Ronald Reagan.
One of these
freedom fighters that Reagan praised was of course "freedom fighter" Osama Bin
Do your homework, pal. An Islamic Terror organization
ALREADY EXISTED. It was not created, as you say, by Jimmy Carter and Operation
Cyclone (supposing it even existed, as it was reported solely by a
middle-Eastern economic report). If the Op. did exist, it was for the sole
purpose of de-stabalizing the Soviet Union, which was incredibly important. And
you tok the quote from Ronald Reagan completely out of context and twisted it
to match your own fantasyland point of view. If you read the quote all by
itself, it is most easily interpreted as a set of facts, not as a praising
sililoquy. And bin Laden wasn't singled out either, as you infer. Just because
he was a part of the organization Reagen referred to, doesn't mean that Reagan
was saying anything about bin Laden personally.
One of the strangest anomalies in Washington is Republican
Senator Orrin Hatch from Utah. Hatch, was a senior member of the Senate
Intelligence Committee which approved US dealings with the Mujaheddin a.k.a.
As far Back as 1998 Hatch was stating that he still thinks
that our dealings with them were right even knowing what bin Laden would later
"It was worth it. Those were very important, pivotal matters
that played an important role in the downfall of the Soviet Union."-Orrin
So those unfortunate souls that perished on September 11th 2001
So what happened on September 11th means
To you, apparently, they mean nothing. Read what you
wrote in the very beginning of your ranting and raving, asshat. You wrote that
America SHOULDN'T change at all because of the events of September 11th. So,
obviously, you think that, at least to Americans, September 11th should mean
nothing. Maybe it'll mean something to the terrorists who hit us. Maybe they'll
get a big laugh that people like you are instilling false pieces of crap like
this in the minds of the American people. You're only HELPING the terrorists by
attempting to make the American people scared of their own government. You call
for reform and damn it at the same time. Your entire position is one
hypocritical load of cow-spunk that doesn't deserve a place on any American
computer screen. But, because of free speech, you can. So, because I'm allowed
to speak freely as well, I'm explaining how you're misleading those who read
your piece. Tell Osama bin Laden "Hi" for me when he calls to thank you for the
great job you're unwittingly doing.
I didn't get through the whole
thing. The rest is basically more pissing and moaning about the aforementioned
topics. Here's the link for those who are interested.
Skillz Required -
Just look at
this picture at tell me what your first thought is:
IS AN ASS sticking out of that video game. The object is to shove that
enema-looking object into said-ass as hard and fast as possible, making the
virtual head on the screen make some oh-so-virtual love-noise. Hehe.. Those
sick-ass Japanese kids... Sorry, I don't think this one's making it to
Clinton's moment of l33tness... WTF? -
Uhh.. I feel
so dirty saying this. Bill Clinton may not be a complete asshat as I have
previously thought. I suppose now that he's out of politics and his wife can
try and control them directly, he's able to state some opinion and policy of
Chicago Sun-Times has quoted him as saying "I'm all for fighting in
Afghanistan..." Holy Mary Mother of God... A liberal up for some good ole
fashioned military a$$-kickin'? How L33T! Of course, he does go into a bit
about curing AIDS being just as important after that (which, if you read it,
makes sense), but still... I'm impressed, Willy, maybe you aren't just a lying
sack of dog spunk. Ok, so you are that too, but I'm impressed that you see the
light at least a little bit.
is a test of the emergency broadcast system - L33T
read a small piece tonight sent to me by a friend.. I'm too tired right now,
but let me warn you that it's a piece of TRASH and I will be taking appropriate
action tomorrow (AKA: Picking it's poorly-made points apart piece by moronic
piece). This has been a test of the emergency l33t system. Had this been an
actual emergency, there would have been much cursing and ranting, followed by
over-analysis and satirical humor... This was only a test.
you saved the princess. *Zzzz* She's in another house, go away.
this is the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life... Thanks
Mariogirl, for the alert. Click the link at the bottom of the page that says "A
Case In Communism: The Super Mario Story" after you read the first page. Holy
God, I can't stop laughing...
hate the player, hate the game -
Clinton, I have just one thing to say:
Get over yourself. I'm so so tired of her bitching and moaning
like her party is so misunderstood and mistreated. YOU LOST THE DAMN ELECTION A
YEAR AND A HALF AGO. GET OVER IT. She's bashing the Supreme Court now for
favoring a more conservative view. Baby, quit whining and just PLAY THE GAME.
She calls the court's tendency to broaden the rights of states and local
government "disturbing." Now, I can see how it might rub her
bull-dyke-liberal-self the wrong way, but I don't think it requires a
"disturbing" verdict. I think her daughter is disturbing, but so does every
other straight male in the world.
Wasting My Time -
Good news: I'M
GOING TO THE DEFAULT CONCERT A WEEK FROM TUESDAY! I just bought my tickets and
I'm stoked about getting to see them in concert. I think they're cd is
definitely a nice little compilation. Of course, I'd be a ton more stoked about
a Live concert, but Default'll do, for sure. How incredibly l33t is
drink and drive, but drink and fly.. That's cool - L33T
Remind me never to fly
American West again..
Two grounded America West
pilots drank nearly three gallons of beer before they allegedly tried to fly a
jetliner earlier this month, prosecutors are charging.
guess they figure "No white lines, who's gonna hit me?" The part that blows my
mind is that they manage to consume 3 gallons of beer. Well, I suppose that's
1.5 gallons each, but still. I opened my refrigerator and took a look at a
gallon jug of water and just shook my head. There is no way in hell I could
consume that and another half of one without having to take a giant leak about
eight different times. I guess those airplane lavatories would've read
"Occupied" for most of the flight. It's a shame they didn't make it off the
ground, that would have been even more interesting. Imagine the loop-the-loops
and barrel rolls that would have been performed. My kinda
Love, I got lost in your dirty pillows... - L33T
Holy crap, why can't my
local government get in a feud with a strip club?
nude dance club in Nicollet northwest of Mankato on Highway 14 plans to open
its doors to all ages after midnight Tuesday as part of an ongoing feud with
the city, the Mankato Free Press reported. Two men quietly opened the club last
year, and have been in a zoning feud with the city since. They plan to allow
teens to come watch women dance in pasties and G-strings on the day a new city
ordinance takes affect at midnight, the newspaper said.
underage guys will be driving from miles away to get a taste of that action.
Medicinal Purposes Only -
I had to go
get a signature from my physician today to confirm my vaccination records for
the college I'm getting ready to attend. I called them a couple days ahead to
see if I needed an appointment. "No, no..." they said, "just come in and we can
get it signed for you." And of course, I'm thinking, "They're probably right, I
mean, how long can getting a signature take?" Well, apparently it can take an
hour and a half. I sat in that waiting room for, I kid you not, a solid one
hour and thirty minutes. After the first half an hour, I would have just said
"Screw it," and walked back there myself, found the doctor, and gotten the
whole thing taken care of. But the receptionist (who was exceedingly
patronizing) had already taken my form away from me. So, there I sat. What a
load of garbage. But hey, I guess you can look at a bright side to all of this.
For being so patient and reading my rant, I've got a
little treat for you. Just use it responsibly.
Got Your Militia Right Here -
Jesse "Asshat" Jackson stop, or go mute or something. The
self-proclaimed Reverend makes so many broad generalizations about this
country, I'm surprised people listen to him at all. It's people like him and
groups like the NAACP that really piss me off. Here are these huge pieces of
liberal machinery, attempting to "change the world."
Now, I've been
thinking. In truth, liberals don't really want equality. No, really, they
don't. You see, those fuckwits know that if America ever reached a state of
racial/gender/whatever-blindness, their main platforms would go away and all
theyd be left holding are abortion, gun-control, and welfare (which is a
badly-run program as it is). All of their pandering to people of other races
wouldn't work anymore, since that would make them bigots for actually trying to
suggest that someone in this country is something other than American. So,
organizations like the NAACP and complete morons like Jesse "Asshat" Jackson
will always exist as long as the liberals are "fighting for racial equality."
What a load of crap.
I think the "militia" as he calls it should arrest
the Jesse Jacksons and the government get rid of the NAACP-type organizations
just because of how truly un-American they are. I mean, there's definitely a
Black Awareness Organization at my school.. But I would be strung up by my
manhood if I suggested a White Awareness Organization. How equal is that? Which
brings me back to the whole American racial-blindness bit. Disban all
racially-based clubs and start a single club for everyone: The American
You see, if I were to become a resident of
France tomorrow, I wouldn't be called American-French. Just French. And why?
Because people who live in that country have enough pride in it to get rid of
all racial references in their title as citizens. There should be no such thing
as African-American, White-American, Hispanic-American, etc. because we are all
JUST AMERICAN. If the country can't come to that conclusion, our people will
never be unified and people like "Asshat" Jackson will keep attempting to
de-unfiy us. Love your neighbor, America. We're all the same
Over-Sensitive Training - L33T
The teacher found a cassette deck cord
drooping from an organ on July 3 and went on to explain to his students how
dangerous it was.
While saying "the cord could accidentally throttle you
like this," he wound it around the neck of a boy sitting in the front row in
the class, school officials said.
The shocked student was absent from
school for several days, and when the topic of his teacher came up at home, he
burst into tears.
So, now the parents are all pissed off and
everyone's unhappy. Was the kid really "shocked?" I mean, thinking back to
third grade, if the teacher demonstrated a student getting throttled by an
electrical cord, without really throttling him of course, everyone in the
class, including the subject of the example, would have laughed a little, maybe
thrown in a couple "Tighter! Tighter!" lines for good measure, and forgotten
the whole thing by recess. Sounds like this kid (and his parents) need a little
de-sensitivity training. Ever seen Full Metal Jacket? That soap-in-the-sock
scene? Ohhhhh yeah.
And Punishment -
kids did something stupid, but they
got off a little easier than the Harry Potter girl from the
alvin Robinson, 13, and Aaron Laird, 14, were reportedly
missing from a church function last week.
A search for the boys ended
with the discovery that the pair had gone out with a couple of girls all
The boy's mothers became so frustrated that they decided to make
their sons stand alongside a freeway on-ramp with the signs that detailed their
actions. They said that "conventional" punishment doesn't work so they came up
with the "sign" idea, according to the report.
Wow, only 13 and 14
and already getting play. I think that would be worth a few hours standing
beside a freeway with an apologetic sign on. I would definitely add that I had
gotten layed. That would inspire some drive-by honking.
Brothers Is Screwed -
Why do kids
do these things? I'd be willing to bet my first-born child
that the parents of this little failed-witch try and sue Warner Brothers for
some enormous sum of money. I mean, I feel really bad that the kid is in
critical condition, but that isn't the fault of the movie. It's the fault of
the parent for leaving her with a 14-year-old and assuming the 14-year-old
would give a flying flip about what the young one was doing. The kid's
obsession with flying reminds me of
Pretentious? No way... -
I got a little
note today and just felt it required some form of public
it's really obnoxious to sign all of your stuff L33T and
include your web page (which is nothing more than you paraphrasing the media in
order to give the world your take on whatever happens. I suppose in order to
maintain your originality, you must disagree with everything.) I hate
Oh yeah, and the subject line was something
along the lines of "Quit being pretentious." *Innocent look* Who, me? Yeah, I
suppose my pretentiousness and originality are the reasons I've had a thousand
hits to this site so far this month. Is that really what you people come here
for? I thought it was for the beautiful design. Oh well, I guess I've started a
trend and have to keep it up in order to keep you kids satisfied. Oh yeah, I
found this the other day
and figured you'd enjoy it. There seems to be an abundance of stupidity
surrounding me lately.
Girlfish makes my loins quiver.
Call Him... Mini Me -
innocently surfing the net tonight and found
A couple trying to become the parents of the world's first
human clone, using the same process that produced Dolly the sheep...
are religious people and have searched deep into ourselves about this. We do
not believe it should be used randomly. We think that this is something that
should only be done for infertile couples."
Yeah, ok. No one will
ever be able to convince me that this is not one of the most selfish acts of
all time. Even though these two yokels claim to want anonymity, how long do
they think that will last if and when this "historic attempt" is
successful? I can already tell you the answer to that: As long as it takes one
of the brilliant scientists to reach a pay phone and call USA Today. I mean,
let's get real, folks. This kid is going to be national news for THE REST OF
HER LIFE. Scientists will be begging to perform numerous tests on her every
other day, throwing any chance she may have had of having a somewhat normal
life into the garbage disposal. And can you imagine the kind of ridicule she's
going to get, not only from the news media, but from her peers as well. I'm
telling you, little kids can be relentless. "Look it's Joan the stupid clone,"
I can already hear them chanting. She will live a life of isolation, finally
resorting to suicide as the only way to escape the veritable hell her
supposedly loving and unselfish parents brought her into. Yep, real fair to the
kid. Oh well, at least the parents are humble about the whole
"My father was a very brilliant man, as were my uncles on my
mother's side of the family. I have strong genes in my background, as does my
husband. I come from a very warm, loving family and I hope that we can bring a
child into this world that has that warmth and
*Shakes head solemnly* Morons.
As I'm sure most people know by now,
even those who don't necessarily dig the whole golf scene, Tiger Woods got the
living bejesus knocked out of him in
Open Championship. I'm not a big fan of
the game, myself, but I read his response to the worst score
of his professional career and, quite frankly, I think he is insanely l33t.
Props, Tiger, for taking your ass-whuppin' like a man. You're definitely one
'Em Burn - L33T
On a serious note (not something that
happens often on this site), the California authorities have made an arrest in relation to the Samantha Runnion abduction
and murder. Now, I'm not ready to pass judgement on this guy yet. He denies
that he did it, and our judicial system is based on the idea of innocent until
proven guilty. However, if it turns out he or anyone else did it, the state of
California should put him to death. Now, all of the anti-death-penalty people
out there are screaming right now. But once a child, defenseless against an
older, more powerful human being, is harmed, all sympathy from me goes right
out the window. I don't care if you had a bad home life or your father was an
alcoholic. Nothing can even remotely excuse hurting someone weaker than
yourself, especially a child. I would throw the switch myself to fry the
son-of-a-b**** that killed that little girl. And all of you people out there
who say you would never do the same, what if it was YOUR loved one? That would
be cause for some reconsideration, I think. Anyway, my greatest sympathies to
the Runnion family and I just hope that justice is done.
The police have confirmed that the man they
arrested is indeed the killer. I think they should just gas his sorry tail and
be done with it.
Mindless Bunny Poking -
been good little minions today..
Here you go.
Yeah, go on, laugh. That's what I thought.
London And Back -
sad when my first update for the day is about a
cat stowaway who logged 63,000 air miles over a ten-day
period. He had hidden himself away in the tail of the plane. When the airlines
finally found the damn thing, he was turned black from all the oil and was
stick thin. However, British Airways still insists that "he is a very lucky
cat." After a week and a half of darkness, oil, and little food (Ozzy, the cat,
had apparently snacked lightly on the airline crew's sandwiches when they
weren't looking), I would be begging for ole death to come a knockin'. And if I
heard ANYONE call me lucky after that ordeal, I'd be forced to beat the living
daylights out of the offender.
frequent flyer miles than he'd like to even think about using...
Speaking Of Captain Planet... - L33T
Ok, one more pot-shot at the old Democratic Party. I mentioned
Captain Planet in the last post and it reminded me of a discussion I had a few
weeks ago with a good friend of mine. Who of you reading this enjoyed Captain
Planet when you were younger? That's right, you know you did. Anyway, it dawned
upon us that Captain Planet was quite possibly the biggest piece of
liberal-crap-on-conservative-propaganda ever created. Five kids of different
ethnic backgrounds come together to fight the big corporations whose only goal
is to wreck and destroy the planet for the sole purpose of turning a profit...
Starting to see any propaganda parallels? At least that program showed what
political party I would become affiliated with early on in life... I was always
cheering for the corporate slime. Go Captain Planet, my ass.
That costume just screams Child
Please, Make The Bleeding Stop - L33T
It's official: America CARES TOO MUCH. Impossible, you say? Well let
me confront you with this
prime piece of evidence.
Zacarias Moussaoui, the
only person charged as a Sept. 11 conspirator, attempted to plead guilty
Thursday to new federal charges that could bring him the death penalty. But the
judge in a rare bench ruling insisted he take a week to think
What the hell is that judge thinking? I mean, the guy
says, and this is a direct quote, that he is "a member of al-Qaida" and has
pledged himself to Osama bin Laden. What more does the freakin' judge want?
Now, see, I'll bet liberals all over the country are getting that warm fuzzy
feeling while reading this tremendous mound of giraffe spunk. Damn
I've got some
decent updates planned for today. Until I get around to them,
check this out.
*pleased grin* See? I knew you'd like it.
Scary Story Time With Uncle L33T, Kids - L33T
When I was in high school, there was a certain group of what I will
term lightly as "misfits." Basically, if you took all of the oddballs and
insane-type weirdos from every high school in Louisiana, put them in the same
room, gave the assembled group an official title thereby indulging their
unsatiable desire to be freaky-ass, and elected officers for them, you would
have what we dealt with as a student body. This group was dubbed The Conclave
Of Science Fiction and Fantasy. We just called them the Clave. Now, they pretty
much kept to their business of ritual shoe worshiping (you laugh, but I swear
upon all that is holy that's a true story) and weird dressing (mostly black
with a few Jedi Knight-type robes mixed in) and we non-Clavers kept to
ourselves. No big deal. However, once in awhile, the student body was forced to
look upon them and their activities. Such activites included real-life
roleplaying (foam weaponry and all) and dress-up-type-days for
previously-mentioned real-life roleplaying. So, we had thirty dwarves, elves,
vampires, etc. all scurrying around hitting each other and yelling "2 damage!!"
in an extremely fake English accent ALL FREAKING DAY! Now, why am I relating
this tale of horror to you, the masses? Well, because the whole
dress-up-like-a-vampire thing seems to not be enough for certain oddballs, and
I just think you should be aware that
people like this exist. This certain freaky-ass kid decided to
slaughter some old lady because, while others had quit roleplaying, this guy
was still in the game. He actually believed that killing a 90-year-old woman
would grant him immortality as a vampire. So, the next time one of his
foam-sword-wielding buddies hit him and shouted the ritual "2 damage!!" he
could shrug it off because he was a true-to-life vampire...
*Sighs and steps off the soapbox* Alright, that post is
confusing enough. Enjoy trying to sift through that mindless babble. It's
late.. Sue me.
Lack Of A Better Word... Dis-freakin-gusting - L33T
Well, we have another hot news item to discuss. It appears that
Canada now has another strike against it.. The first being general global news
apathy and the second being that I have a friend who fooled us all into
believing he was Canadian when he was really screwing with us the whole time...
Not Canada's fault, but still.. Anyway, the new reason NOT to visit Canada is
this guy lives there. What is up with people who are into
beastiality letting their proverbial dog out in public? Ok, I am personally
disgusted by wanting to nail any sort of animal (unless you are of the species,
yourself), and I try to block out the fact that some sick assholes are actually
into that sort of thing. But for the love of Pete, if you are one of those
sick, twisted souls who thinks that Ms. Piggy is, and I quote, "one fine piece
of ass," please attempt to keep your sodomizing of her to the confines of your
own home... Thanks.. Weirdos.
Blows Goats... Somewhat -
fallen below parity with the Euro. It really blows because now
my planned trip to Europe in five years is, for the moment, going to cost me
even more up the ass than it would have if I'd just sucked it up and gone
yesterday. However, I can now export my cases of American-made items (I wasn't
aware that we produced out own items) at a cheaper rate, so.. you know. Yeah,
it still blows goats. Anyway, I guess I'll take this time to plug a song I just
got a hold of yesterday through a good friend. It's called "Short Skirt Long
Jacket" by Cake. The riff is hardcore. Go download and enjoy, my little
Issues - L33T
I have a question: Is it morally
correct for me to knock on the now-nasty-looking Michael Jackson (better known
as Jacko) and then participate in watching part of the Michael Jackson marathon
on VH1? Ok, ok, I'm a corporate whore. Sue me. I sure as hell enjoyed MJ when
he was getting his Thriller and Billy Jean on... Those were the good old days.
Before all the nose jobs, child molestations, and general all-around
king-of-weirdness crap he began portraying. So... am I still ok? Or is my soul
condemned to the eternal flame for my incessant flip-flopping? Help me, dear
readers, you're my only hope.
Make This Last Forever -
the lack of weekend updates. Truthfully, I can't find anything fun to talk
about. You may want to drop by the featured site of the moment, PVPonline.com
and take a look at the past few days. There have been a few incidents involving
The Phantom Mooner that I find absolutely hilarious. You kids be good now, I'll
think of some good stuff to post soon. Oh yeah, and check out the group Zero
7... They're hardcore.
*Sniff* I Really Do Care - L33T
friend of mine brought up the Janet Jackson-Justin Timberlake thing again
tonight and I felt compelled to post what was said. Justin Timberlake, while he
is a symbol of what is morally wrong with the U.S., is indeed the luckiest man
alive. I mean, how many guys can say they've nailed both Britney Spears AND
Janet Jackson? I'm sorry, if I were him, I would just commit suicide because it
can't get any better than he's already had it. Justin, if you're reading this,
I'm serious about the suicide thing. You should look into it. Lucky
Drew First Blood -
Man, today's a
slow news day. Or maybe it's a big one and I'm just missing out. The biggest
piece of gossip/idiocy I've heard all day consists of the
following: Justin Timberlake (you know, one of the N'Sync
Androids) is now dating Janet Jackson (you know, the noseless wonder's hot-ass
sister). Fun, but I'm just not in the mood to bash Janet right now. So,
instead, I've posted what I have thus far of my essays. It's only one and it isn't very long, but I
figure you guys deserve it. You've been good little troopers thus far. No one's
e-mailed me to curse me out or severely chastise me for anything I've written,
so thanks. Oh, and I may be looking to throw a couple people onto my staff (and
I mean that in the most platonic way possible) soon. So, if any of you feel
like being a part of my insane little world and have some decent writing
ability, get some samples together. I'm in serious deliberations right now...
Enjoy the essay.
"Hello, Kids, Kermit The HIV-Positive Frog Here..."
As a small child, my mother could put
me in front of Sesame Street and I wouldn't move for a solid hour. And for that
entire hour the only propaganda I was faced with came in the form of simple
letters, numbers, and shapes (with the occasional Public-Broadcasting plug
thrown in). No politics, debates, or any sort of controversial issues thrown in
to confuse the my small, two-year-old mind. However, the liberals have proven
that they are alive and well once again. Apparently it is time for Sesame
Street to introduce an
HIV-Positive muppet... My God. Alright, kids, today we're
going to learn not one, not two, but THREE letters! The first is the letter...
H. H as in Human... That's what you at home are: Human. The next letter is the
letter I. That's I as in Immunodeficiency. Umm... Just trust me, that's what it
stands for. And the last letter we'll learn today is the letter V! That's
right, kids, V as in Virus, which is what Old-Needles Ned, here, has. *shakes
head* How much more diluted can society get? The introduction of an
HIV-Positive muppet will only bring about one result. Confusion of the
audience. Actually, thinking back, I suppose any of those characters way back
when could have been HIV-positive and my still-forming mind would never have
noticed. I've got two words for ya: BERT AND ERNIE. *Sigh* Sad times.. Sad
Idea, Really Really Good Idea -
|The Pamplona Bull Run has always confused a perplexed
me. What do people find fun about running away from being trampled? I
definitely understand the fun of watching it (I mean, bulls trampling
people=funny), but actually participating just blows my mind. I think that the
Pamplona Bull Run would be made much more incredibly cool if people like
Chelsea Clinton, Janet Reno, and ole Jacko were the only participants. I mean,
we could see which ugly, stupid one survives. However, at the end of the run I
would suggest a line of gunmen to finish the job that the bulls didn't get
around to. Personal opinion only.
Bull #1) "Dude, I just ran over Janet Reno.. You know, for
being genderless she sure does scream like a girl.."
Bull #2) Uh...
They all do that, Frank.
Bull #1) Oh.... yeah.... Well, let's go
trample Michael Jackson and that Clinton kid now.
From The Proverbial Ugly Tree -
|Just when I thought I'd seen enough truly scary-looking people in 24
hours... I had to go and click
this link. Ok, look, I almost feel sorry for this kid. It's
not her fault that her hideousness is such a national issue. It's not her fault
her cigar-loving father went and made their family a household name (even more
so than the average leader of the free world). But still... She's working to
make the environment SAFER for the kids... Uh.. Does she realize that she's
actually damaging the children she's helping? How many fifth grade classrooms
she's visited have been left with desks full of stone statues of children? Sad
times.. Sad times...
don't HATE you... Well, actually, we do - L33T
Michael Jackson kidding? Now the odd-nosed wonder is claiming
that people hate him because he "outsold Elvis." Yeah, that's right, Mikey. We
don't hate you because you were once cool and then went all freaky-ass on us.
Nooooo... The public today hates you for outselling a guy that the mainstream
pop-culture crowd of the present wasn't even alive to experience. Ole Mike just
needs to wake up and smell his own oddness... Waaaaiiit... That's it! He can't
SMELL his own oddness because his nose is so.. Ok, I'll stop. Happy hump day,
all. Oh, and Jacko? You're ugly, man.
Gaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy... And The Ugly Tree - L33T
In much more I-don't-want-to-look-mommy news, Janet Reno, the
end-be-all of gender-guesses, is now, as I'm sure most of you have heard,
running for governor of Florida. Good for her... err.. him... Oh hell, fine,
it. Anyway, IT just finished
addressing a lesbian and gay caucus. Funny stuff actually. I
mean, most politicians can relate to at least one section of the general public
on the whole sexual-orientation issue. But dang.. What if you're Janet Reno? If
I were gay, I still don't think I could touch that thing with a ten-foot pole.
I mean, not to be picky, but I would like to be able to KNOW beyond a shadow of
a doubt whether or not I'm with a man or a woman. Janet, some advice, just go
back to Barnum and Bailey and leave the providing of political humor to other,
less offensive-looking people. Thanks. Oh, and about that
Real-Life Janet's Dance Party crap... Sick, babe... real
The face only a mother (saskwatch) could love
Vacation To Britain Anyone? - L33T
Wow, Britain just keeps looking better and better. Now they're
the Mary Jane laws. My future plans to buy a flat in England have now been
solidified. I mean, I personally don't smoke the stuff, but to some of my
friends, smoking weed is just an understood part of a social gathering. So, at
least at my flat in Europe, I won't get arrested for them being as high as
Kareem Abdul Jabar on stilts. Ok, bad example...
I Think I'm In Love -
Ok, usually, I
don't watch very much television. However, I have found one show that is one of
the coolest, funniest, and all-around most entertaining ever. It's the single
show that I make a point of trying to tape and watch every day... Thus, it is
with great, unadulterated pleasure, that I recommend...
The show is set up
1) One socially-inept man/woman is set up to go on a date
with a socially-ept member of the opposite gender.
2) The producers of
the show go find two friends for each of the contestants. These are the
3) Socially-inept goes on a date with
socially-ept, while the friends look on from the stakeout bus.. The friends
make comments and suggestions as the date goes along through the use of
Basically, it's dating with real-time advice. There have been
instances in which a friend even left the stakeout bus to completely take over
for his inept buddy.. Hehe... Rock on. Rock on. Anyway, that's one of the best
shows on MTV right now, so GO WATCH IT!
Poor Neglected Children - L33T
Alright, you guys, I'm finally back. I went on hiatus for a week
in order to procure some much needed dough. Let me just say this about my work
week: Anybody even remotely considering running a fireworks stand 4th of July
weekend is OFF THEIR ROCKER. I have never been so exhausted, both physically
and mentally. I had to set up the ENTIRE tent at the beginning and take it all
down on the last day. Mostly because the other two guys (I say guys, they were
16) hired to help were complete and utter morons. Here's a basic overview of my
experience with the bigger dumbass of the two:
ME: I'm only going to
ask you to stop standing over my freaking shoulder one more time. Go do
something useful... Like go home.
DUMB HO #1: Uhhh... Why can't I run the
cash register? *scratches his head*
ME: Number one, you're not 18. And
number two, do you think that I'm going to trust you with thousands of dollars
in cash and hours upon hours of making change for people when you don't even
understand the concept of flattening a simple cardboard box?
DUMB HO #1:
ME: *Looking at the enormous pile of unflattened empty
cardboard boxes in the middle of the tent* Exactly... Now shut up.
swear, it took all of my willpower not to smack that guy in his
goofy-retard-grinning face. Oh, and he wouldn't shut up about his girlfriend
being so hot. So, finally I get to see a picture of her. She's the same girl
that gave me her number at the bookstore a week ago. Girlfriend indeed. If she
is, I don't give it too much longer before she finally figures out (as she
seems to be starting to) that he is an immature life-form devoid of any sort of
human qualities whatsoever. Oh well, a week of putting up with his complete
idiocy made me a thousand dollars richer, so I figure it was at least worth it
a little... Nah, I should've smacked him. Some other time perhaps.
on one last note, I applied for a writing position at
would be so hardcore. This site would definitely feel the brunt of such a move,
however. You're readings would come mostly in the form of updates on BAMF.com.
Now, now, don't cry. I don't even have the position yet. But if I do, be
prepared to start reading elsewhere. It'll be the same kind of useless yet
humorous garbage that this site has been providing. In fact,
definitely a big influence on what this site offers by way of updates. I'd just
be sorry to virtually end this little project... Don't worry, I'll still update
this site with rants and essays (I have a couple of those in the works, by the
way as a part of my new novel I'm working on). So, enjoy this site as much as
you can just in case a switch gets made.