L33T - And Other Words Of All Kinds

Archive for July, 2002

  July 31, 2002

I knew it! - L33T

I've suspected this for a long time:

A study by the University of New Hampshire of college students says women are as violent as men toward their partners.

The Family Research Laboratory study suggests that when only one partner is violent, it is twice as likely to be the woman.

So, guys, if she's abusing you (assuming you sick assholes aren't into being beaten), you need to stand up for yourself. If you're too much of a pussy to fight back (or just don't feel like being sued and shunned by society for the rest of your life), divorce her. But never EVER mention to anyone that she beat the living hell out of you regularly... Otherwise, you may receive a lot of this stuff.

  July 31, 2002

Devil May Cry... Again - L33T

I just found out today that a Devil May Cry sequel is in the works to be released this winter. Those of you unfamiliar with the original DMC, you HAVE TO CHECK IT OUT. It is quite possibly one of the coolest games I've ever played on the PS2. Easy mode is great if you just want to hack and slash a ton (and I do mean ton) of enemies for a bit. The harder levels are hardcore for those gaming nights when you feel that you must accomplish something. Anyway, I'm stoked about a sequel (I watched the preview and almost passed out with excitement) and can't wait to see the finished product. Rock on...

  July 30, 2002

Just shoot me... or not - L33T

This is why we shouldn't let stupid people anywhere near a toolbox and/or a patent office. Complete lunacy, and here's why:

The weapon would be stored with the Safety Bullet in the firing chamber. If the gun is accidentally fired, say by a kid fooling around, the bullet would cause gun to harmlessly jam.

Please tell me you people see the problem already. No? Fine, I'll spell it out. The gun isn't going to be able to decipher which shots are accidental and which are intended I'm assuming. So, let's say a robber breaks into your house... You instinctively reach for the gun in your nightstand, lean up, pull the trigger and... Damn, my gun's jammed. "Mr. Robber/Serial Killer, would you hold on one second while I remove my handy safety-bullet from my now jammed and useless gun?" In other words, it really sucks to be you about then. Please, people, THINK before you try and get your let's-invent-something groove on. It'll save you from public humiliation such as this.

  July 30, 2002

Brilliance, sheer brilliance - L33T

I think I'm going to cry. This is just so *sniff* beautiful.

Man, that mofo's just screamin' "Take me, take me now..." Yeah, you know you want it.

  July 30, 2002

Hillary "Asshat" Clinton strikes again (still off-target) - L33T

Sen. Hillary Clinton said yesterday that President Bush and congressional Republicans have squandered the economic gains made when her husband was President. Uhhh.. How about no. All Bill Clinton did was reap the economic benefits of the Reagan administration. Please, Hillary, your husband let the dishonesty in corporate America flourish and thrive with no hindrance whatsoever. And that's what the current economic decline has stemmed from. So, if you get right down to it, it's really your asshat husband's fault, not the current president who has actually made corporations take RESPONSIBILITY (something you liberals aren't very good at taking) for themselves. Oh yeah, you're ugly too.

  July 29, 2002

Bulls, Bears, Profits, oh my! - L33T

Thank the maker! The stock market got a nice little boost today. INVEST people. It's the only way to work our way out of the economic funk we've been in. Make a change and go buy stocks today! Which brings me to my next item on the world-domination list: a L33twords IPO. What do you guys think? I know I provide no product and/or tangible service (unless your laughter right now is considered tangible), but I think an initial public offering of stock in l33twords is just the thing to get the American economy back on its feet. I am the ultimate dot-com stock. Why you ask? Because, on top of offering no real product, I also am NOT EVEN A DOT-COM. Though I am working hard on that small detail. And I truly am thinking about offering some l33t items (T-shirts, mousepads, etc). Any thoughts?

  July 29, 2002

Activism, Schmactivism - L33T

For those of you liberal asshats who don't think Bush gives a flyin-acrobatic-flip about poverty and hunger overseas.. Take a look at these:

Beat that.

  July 29, 2002

Another Fine Piece Of Ass - L33T

Poor Ms. North Carolina. It's complete ass that she felt compelled to withdraw after her ex-psycho-boyfriend showed involuntarily-nude (involuntary as in the perv ran in on her changing and snapped the shots) pictures of her. I've been thinking about how much it sucks for her and I've finally figured out a solution. I propose a new section of the Ms. America Pagent: The nude photo contest. It can go at the end of the program to attract more viewers (aka: lonely horny males) and it can be a contest to see who really looks the best under those ever-so-revealing swimsuits. Now, who doesn't like that idea? I mean, hell, if we're going to exploit 50 women on a stage, why not go all the way with it? We can get Hugh Hefner to judge that portion of the program as well. Call the agencies, I think this idea's a true gem.

  July 29, 2002

One Fine Piece Of Ass - L33T

Check out the new BMW Z4 Roadster... How incredibly HOT is that?

Nice rack...

I told you she had an awesome ass... *sniff* They just don't make 'em like that anymore. Wait.. They DO make 'em like that!

  July 28, 2002

Clinton back to being an asshat - L33T

Yeah, I knew his moment of l33tness couldn't last forever. Now he's claiming that people blaming his administration for the corporate corruption are off-base. I'm sorry, Bill, I must have forgot that you did so much to stop companies like Enron and WorldCom from being asshats... Uh, wait, no you didn't. You had eight freakin' years to uncover that stuff. And you didn't. And blaming the Republican party for your turning a blind eye to corporate corruption is just hypocritical on your part. "It's not fair for them to blame me for something I could have so easily done something about, so I'll blame them too." Where were you for the eight years in which Enron did most of its major growth? And you think Republicans are big-business oriented? Well, you are right about one thing (and this is taken completely out of context for satirical purposes), "I actually tried to do something about it, and their party stopped it." That's right, our party did stop it. And only in two years. You tried, we succeeded. MAJOR difference.

  July 27, 2002

Pure randomness.. Gotta love it - L33T

What the hell?

I'm going to have recurring nightmares for the rest of my life...

  July 27, 2002

Teach me, Uncle Jackie - L33T

I just finished watching The Legend Of Drunken Master with good ole Uncle Jackie Chan in it. It's so old school and hardcore, kids, you should check it out. It's off the scale on l33tness. The dubbing is alright too, so it doesn't come off too badly. Of course, it is all about the big bad evil corporations trying to steal the culture and history of other nationalities to sell to the highest bidder... But it's JACKIE CHAN! So, I can forgive that one liberal shortcoming. Check it out, and make it a Blockbuster night!

  July 27, 2002

Son of the Beach - L33T

I drove down to the beach in Biloxi today and was completely overwhelmed by the enormous numbers of completely ugly women there. I honestly don't understand it. I mean, I'd be find if the ugly, obese women kept their ugliness and obesity TO THEMSELVES. But instead they insist on wearing a string bikini and flimsy little top that only accentuates the overall nastiness factor. I kid you not, I layed there in my chair for SIX WHOLE HOURS and I saw perhaps a grand total of TWO even remotely attractive, in-shape women. Someone explain to me where all the beach-honeys have gone? It was a Saturday at one of the hottest beaches in Mississippi. I can't wait to trip out to California. The incredibly beautiful women seem to flow like milk and honey over there...

Now now, you didn't think I'd leave you empty-handed on a weekend did you?

  July 26, 2002

The Truth Is Out There - L33T

Wow. That's all I have to say about this little gem. This is quite possibly the truest analysis of modern-politics I've ever read. You kids enjoy... Try and learn something.

  July 25, 2002

As promised... - L33T

Alright, I'm not going to post a link to the site until the end of this rant, because it could possibly take awhile to get through with this liberal piece of crap. I'm going to post it segment by segment, so hopefully you get the entire piece here for the most part. Without further ado, the biggest piece of Asshatness ever to be posted here on L33twords:

Attention Deficit Democracy

We are always told that if we are to uncover the "conspiracy then we must always follow the trail of money. The United States has spent nearly 400 billion dollars on weapons of mass destruction with nearly 6 billion of it used in the fight against terror. This gargantuan amount of money is being allocated for mass slaughter when it could be used to eliminate poverty and to educate people.

Not when a single rocket costs more than that just to MAKE, moron. According to a study at the Brookings Institute it costed more than 400 billion dollars in 1996 just to BUILD a nuclear weapon. It costs even more to deploy it. Now, is it just me, or is the dollar now worth LESS? Or has the recent financial news been a complete figment of my imagination. A lower dollar means that a single nuclear weapon now costs a lot MORE than 400 billion dollars. So, yeah... Or, no I should say.

This all because of a one day event.

A one-day wonder.

You heartless bastard.

If anyone was to suggest that 9/11- should change nothing in the United states they would be more than likely be dismissed as a mad fool. They would be accused of supporting the ramming of planes into tall skyscrapers.

The madness lies in the accusation. The madness lies in the uninformed huffing and puffing that I hear coming out of the mouths of conservative bootlickers of the fascist state.

Once again, exactly where the hell do you get off? If anything 9/11 (I hate calling it that) changed America for the better. I've never seen such national support all at once from ALL the people. Suddenly, it was cool again to be American. We all had the flag proudly displayed again in every car window and in every home across the nation. People wore t-shirts showing support for the FDNY. It was AMAZING. And if you want to blame that on the "conservative bootlickers" feel free. We'd be more than glad to take responsibility for the re-introduction of pride in the U.S.

"This is total war. We are fighting a variety of enemies. There are lots of them out there ... If we just let our vision of the world go forth, and we embrace it entirely, and we don't try to piece together clever diplomacy but just wage a total war, our children will sing great songs about us years from now."

However it is sad to say that Bin laden, Hussein, or even Hitler did not make this statement.

An American made it.

Richard Perle, an adviser to President Bush made that delightful sound bite.

Adviser my ass. The Village Voice reports him as a traveler who has no part in the government. Oh, and Perle didn't say that. He was only moderating the conference it was said at. It was really a man named Michael Ledeen who spoke the words you attribute to THE WRONG MAN.

In 1979 President Jimmy Carter gave Secret orders for something called "Operation Cyclone." The Idea was to give the CIA $4 billion U.S. Tax payer Dollars to create an Islamic terrorist organization. The coaches of Operation Cyclone recruited the candidates at an Islamic college in Brooklyn, New York and then trained terrorists at camps in Pakistan and in Virginia.

The purpose of course was to train these men to fight for us and remove the scourge of the evil empire. Later statements such as this praised their machinations of terror:

"Throughout the world its agents, client states and satellites are on the defensive - on the moral defensive, the intellectual defensive, and the political and economic defensive. Freedom movements arise and assert themselves. They're doing so on almost every continent populated by man in the hills of Afghanistan, in Angola, in Kampuchea, in Central America ... They are freedom fighters."

Did the Ayatollah Khomenni make this statement? Abu Nidal? Saddam Hussein? Was it made by bin Laden?

Of course not.

The statement was made by Ronald Reagan.

One of these freedom fighters that Reagan praised was of course "freedom fighter" Osama Bin Laden.

Do your homework, pal. An Islamic Terror organization ALREADY EXISTED. It was not created, as you say, by Jimmy Carter and Operation Cyclone (supposing it even existed, as it was reported solely by a middle-Eastern economic report). If the Op. did exist, it was for the sole purpose of de-stabalizing the Soviet Union, which was incredibly important. And you tok the quote from Ronald Reagan completely out of context and twisted it to match your own fantasyland point of view. If you read the quote all by itself, it is most easily interpreted as a set of facts, not as a praising sililoquy. And bin Laden wasn't singled out either, as you infer. Just because he was a part of the organization Reagen referred to, doesn't mean that Reagan was saying anything about bin Laden personally.

One of the strangest anomalies in Washington is Republican Senator Orrin Hatch from Utah. Hatch, was a senior member of the Senate Intelligence Committee which approved US dealings with the Mujaheddin a.k.a. the Taliban.

As far Back as 1998 Hatch was stating that he still thinks that our dealings with them were right even knowing what bin Laden would later become.

"It was worth it. Those were very important, pivotal matters that played an important role in the downfall of the Soviet Union."-Orrin Hatch

So those unfortunate souls that perished on September 11th 2001 meant nothing.

So what happened on September 11th means nothing.

To you, apparently, they mean nothing. Read what you wrote in the very beginning of your ranting and raving, asshat. You wrote that America SHOULDN'T change at all because of the events of September 11th. So, obviously, you think that, at least to Americans, September 11th should mean nothing. Maybe it'll mean something to the terrorists who hit us. Maybe they'll get a big laugh that people like you are instilling false pieces of crap like this in the minds of the American people. You're only HELPING the terrorists by attempting to make the American people scared of their own government. You call for reform and damn it at the same time. Your entire position is one hypocritical load of cow-spunk that doesn't deserve a place on any American computer screen. But, because of free speech, you can. So, because I'm allowed to speak freely as well, I'm explaining how you're misleading those who read your piece. Tell Osama bin Laden "Hi" for me when he calls to thank you for the great job you're unwittingly doing.

I didn't get through the whole thing. The rest is basically more pissing and moaning about the aforementioned topics. Here's the link for those who are interested.

  July 25, 2002

L33T Skillz Required - L33T

Just look at this picture at tell me what your first thought is:

Yes, that IS AN ASS sticking out of that video game. The object is to shove that enema-looking object into said-ass as hard and fast as possible, making the virtual head on the screen make some oh-so-virtual love-noise. Hehe.. Those sick-ass Japanese kids... Sorry, I don't think this one's making it to America.

  July 25, 2002

Bill Clinton's moment of l33tness... WTF? - L33T

Uhh.. I feel so dirty saying this. Bill Clinton may not be a complete asshat as I have previously thought. I suppose now that he's out of politics and his wife can try and control them directly, he's able to state some opinion and policy of his own. The Chicago Sun-Times has quoted him as saying "I'm all for fighting in Afghanistan..." Holy Mary Mother of God... A liberal up for some good ole fashioned military a$$-kickin'? How L33T! Of course, he does go into a bit about curing AIDS being just as important after that (which, if you read it, makes sense), but still... I'm impressed, Willy, maybe you aren't just a lying sack of dog spunk. Ok, so you are that too, but I'm impressed that you see the light at least a little bit.

  July 24, 2002

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system - L33T

I read a small piece tonight sent to me by a friend.. I'm too tired right now, but let me warn you that it's a piece of TRASH and I will be taking appropriate action tomorrow (AKA: Picking it's poorly-made points apart piece by moronic piece). This has been a test of the emergency l33t system. Had this been an actual emergency, there would have been much cursing and ranting, followed by over-analysis and satirical humor... This was only a test.

  July 24, 2002

Hello, you saved the princess. *Zzzz* She's in another house, go away. - L33T

Holy shit this is the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life... Thanks Mariogirl, for the alert. Click the link at the bottom of the page that says "A Case In Communism: The Super Mario Story" after you read the first page. Holy God, I can't stop laughing...

  July 24, 2002

Don't hate the player, hate the game - L33T

Hillary Rodham Clinton, I have just one thing to say: Get over yourself. I'm so so tired of her bitching and moaning like her party is so misunderstood and mistreated. YOU LOST THE DAMN ELECTION A YEAR AND A HALF AGO. GET OVER IT. She's bashing the Supreme Court now for favoring a more conservative view. Baby, quit whining and just PLAY THE GAME. She calls the court's tendency to broaden the rights of states and local government "disturbing." Now, I can see how it might rub her bull-dyke-liberal-self the wrong way, but I don't think it requires a "disturbing" verdict. I think her daughter is disturbing, but so does every other straight male in the world.

  July 23, 2002

Wasting My Time - L33T

Good news: I'M GOING TO THE DEFAULT CONCERT A WEEK FROM TUESDAY! I just bought my tickets and I'm stoked about getting to see them in concert. I think they're cd is definitely a nice little compilation. Of course, I'd be a ton more stoked about a Live concert, but Default'll do, for sure. How incredibly l33t is this?

  July 23, 2002

Don't drink and drive, but drink and fly.. That's cool - L33T

Remind me never to fly American West again..

Two grounded America West pilots drank nearly three gallons of beer before they allegedly tried to fly a jetliner earlier this month, prosecutors are charging.

Well, I guess they figure "No white lines, who's gonna hit me?" The part that blows my mind is that they manage to consume 3 gallons of beer. Well, I suppose that's 1.5 gallons each, but still. I opened my refrigerator and took a look at a gallon jug of water and just shook my head. There is no way in hell I could consume that and another half of one without having to take a giant leak about eight different times. I guess those airplane lavatories would've read "Occupied" for most of the flight. It's a shame they didn't make it off the ground, that would have been even more interesting. Imagine the loop-the-loops and barrel rolls that would have been performed. My kinda flight.

  July 23, 2002

Sorry, Love, I got lost in your dirty pillows... - L33T

Holy crap, why can't my local government get in a feud with a strip club?

A nude dance club in Nicollet northwest of Mankato on Highway 14 plans to open its doors to all ages after midnight Tuesday as part of an ongoing feud with the city, the Mankato Free Press reported. Two men quietly opened the club last year, and have been in a zoning feud with the city since. They plan to allow teens to come watch women dance in pasties and G-strings on the day a new city ordinance takes affect at midnight, the newspaper said.

I'm sure underage guys will be driving from miles away to get a taste of that action. Totally l33t.

  July 23, 2002

For Medicinal Purposes Only - L33T

I had to go get a signature from my physician today to confirm my vaccination records for the college I'm getting ready to attend. I called them a couple days ahead to see if I needed an appointment. "No, no..." they said, "just come in and we can get it signed for you." And of course, I'm thinking, "They're probably right, I mean, how long can getting a signature take?" Well, apparently it can take an hour and a half. I sat in that waiting room for, I kid you not, a solid one hour and thirty minutes. After the first half an hour, I would have just said "Screw it," and walked back there myself, found the doctor, and gotten the whole thing taken care of. But the receptionist (who was exceedingly patronizing) had already taken my form away from me. So, there I sat. What a load of garbage. But hey, I guess you can look at a bright side to all of this. For being so patient and reading my rant, I've got a nice little treat for you. Just use it responsibly.

  July 23, 2002

I've Got Your Militia Right Here - L33T

Please, somebody make Jesse "Asshat" Jackson stop, or go mute or something. The self-proclaimed Reverend makes so many broad generalizations about this country, I'm surprised people listen to him at all. It's people like him and groups like the NAACP that really piss me off. Here are these huge pieces of liberal machinery, attempting to "change the world."

Now, I've been thinking. In truth, liberals don't really want equality. No, really, they don't. You see, those fuckwits know that if America ever reached a state of racial/gender/whatever-blindness, their main platforms would go away and all theyd be left holding are abortion, gun-control, and welfare (which is a badly-run program as it is). All of their pandering to people of other races wouldn't work anymore, since that would make them bigots for actually trying to suggest that someone in this country is something other than American. So, organizations like the NAACP and complete morons like Jesse "Asshat" Jackson will always exist as long as the liberals are "fighting for racial equality." What a load of crap.

I think the "militia" as he calls it should arrest the Jesse Jacksons and the government get rid of the NAACP-type organizations just because of how truly un-American they are. I mean, there's definitely a Black Awareness Organization at my school.. But I would be strung up by my manhood if I suggested a White Awareness Organization. How equal is that? Which brings me back to the whole American racial-blindness bit. Disban all racially-based clubs and start a single club for everyone: The American Awareness Organization.

You see, if I were to become a resident of France tomorrow, I wouldn't be called American-French. Just French. And why? Because people who live in that country have enough pride in it to get rid of all racial references in their title as citizens. There should be no such thing as African-American, White-American, Hispanic-American, etc. because we are all JUST AMERICAN. If the country can't come to that conclusion, our people will never be unified and people like "Asshat" Jackson will keep attempting to de-unfiy us. Love your neighbor, America. We're all the same nationality.


  July 22, 2002

The Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man - L33T

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...

  July 22, 2002

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out - L33T

Oh hell yeah!

  July 22, 2002

Over-Sensitive Training - L33T


The teacher found a cassette deck cord drooping from an organ on July 3 and went on to explain to his students how dangerous it was.

While saying "the cord could accidentally throttle you like this," he wound it around the neck of a boy sitting in the front row in the class, school officials said.

The shocked student was absent from school for several days, and when the topic of his teacher came up at home, he burst into tears.

So, now the parents are all pissed off and everyone's unhappy. Was the kid really "shocked?" I mean, thinking back to third grade, if the teacher demonstrated a student getting throttled by an electrical cord, without really throttling him of course, everyone in the class, including the subject of the example, would have laughed a little, maybe thrown in a couple "Tighter! Tighter!" lines for good measure, and forgotten the whole thing by recess. Sounds like this kid (and his parents) need a little de-sensitivity training. Ever seen Full Metal Jacket? That soap-in-the-sock scene? Ohhhhh yeah.

  July 21, 2002

Crime And Punishment - L33T

Well, these kids did something stupid, but they got off a little easier than the Harry Potter girl from the last post.

alvin Robinson, 13, and Aaron Laird, 14, were reportedly missing from a church function last week.

A search for the boys ended with the discovery that the pair had gone out with a couple of girls all night.

The boy's mothers became so frustrated that they decided to make their sons stand alongside a freeway on-ramp with the signs that detailed their actions. They said that "conventional" punishment doesn't work so they came up with the "sign" idea, according to the report.

Wow, only 13 and 14 and already getting play. I think that would be worth a few hours standing beside a freeway with an apologetic sign on. I would definitely add that I had gotten layed. That would inspire some drive-by honking.

  July 21, 2002

Warner Brothers Is Screwed - L33T

Why do kids do these things? I'd be willing to bet my first-born child that the parents of this little failed-witch try and sue Warner Brothers for some enormous sum of money. I mean, I feel really bad that the kid is in critical condition, but that isn't the fault of the movie. It's the fault of the parent for leaving her with a 14-year-old and assuming the 14-year-old would give a flying flip about what the young one was doing. The kid's obsession with flying reminds me of something exceedingly disturbing... *shudders*

  July 21, 2002

Me? Pretentious? No way... - L33T

I got a little note today and just felt it required some form of public scrutiny:

it's really obnoxious to sign all of your stuff L33T and include your web page (which is nothing more than you paraphrasing the media in order to give the world your take on whatever happens. I suppose in order to maintain your originality, you must disagree with everything.) I hate l33tsp34k.

Oh yeah, and the subject line was something along the lines of "Quit being pretentious." *Innocent look* Who, me? Yeah, I suppose my pretentiousness and originality are the reasons I've had a thousand hits to this site so far this month. Is that really what you people come here for? I thought it was for the beautiful design. Oh well, I guess I've started a trend and have to keep it up in order to keep you kids satisfied. Oh yeah, I found this the other day and figured you'd enjoy it. There seems to be an abundance of stupidity surrounding me lately.

Girlfish makes my loins quiver.

  July 20, 2002

I Will Call Him... Mini Me - L33T

I was innocently surfing the net tonight and found this story:

A couple trying to become the parents of the world's first human clone, using the same process that produced Dolly the sheep...

"We are religious people and have searched deep into ourselves about this. We do not believe it should be used randomly. We think that this is something that should only be done for infertile couples."

Yeah, ok. No one will ever be able to convince me that this is not one of the most selfish acts of all time. Even though these two yokels claim to want anonymity, how long do they think that will last if and when this "historic attempt" is successful? I can already tell you the answer to that: As long as it takes one of the brilliant scientists to reach a pay phone and call USA Today. I mean, let's get real, folks. This kid is going to be national news for THE REST OF HER LIFE. Scientists will be begging to perform numerous tests on her every other day, throwing any chance she may have had of having a somewhat normal life into the garbage disposal. And can you imagine the kind of ridicule she's going to get, not only from the news media, but from her peers as well. I'm telling you, little kids can be relentless. "Look it's Joan the stupid clone," I can already hear them chanting. She will live a life of isolation, finally resorting to suicide as the only way to escape the veritable hell her supposedly loving and unselfish parents brought her into. Yep, real fair to the kid. Oh well, at least the parents are humble about the whole thing.

"My father was a very brilliant man, as were my uncles on my mother's side of the family. I have strong genes in my background, as does my husband. I come from a very warm, loving family and I hope that we can bring a child into this world that has that warmth and intelligence."

*Shakes head solemnly* Morons.

  July 20, 2002

Props - L33T

As I'm sure most people know by now, even those who don't necessarily dig the whole golf scene, Tiger Woods got the living bejesus knocked out of him in 131st Open Championship. I'm not a big fan of the game, myself, but I read his response to the worst score of his professional career and, quite frankly, I think he is insanely l33t. Props, Tiger, for taking your ass-whuppin' like a man. You're definitely one off-the-heazy dude.

  July 19, 2002

Let 'Em Burn - L33T

On a serious note (not something that happens often on this site), the California authorities have made an arrest in relation to the Samantha Runnion abduction and murder. Now, I'm not ready to pass judgement on this guy yet. He denies that he did it, and our judicial system is based on the idea of innocent until proven guilty. However, if it turns out he or anyone else did it, the state of California should put him to death. Now, all of the anti-death-penalty people out there are screaming right now. But once a child, defenseless against an older, more powerful human being, is harmed, all sympathy from me goes right out the window. I don't care if you had a bad home life or your father was an alcoholic. Nothing can even remotely excuse hurting someone weaker than yourself, especially a child. I would throw the switch myself to fry the son-of-a-b**** that killed that little girl. And all of you people out there who say you would never do the same, what if it was YOUR loved one? That would be cause for some reconsideration, I think. Anyway, my greatest sympathies to the Runnion family and I just hope that justice is done. Peace.


The police have confirmed that the man they arrested is indeed the killer. I think they should just gas his sorry tail and be done with it.

  July 19, 2002

Mindless Bunny Poking - L33T

Since you've been good little minions today.. Here you go. Yeah, go on, laugh. That's what I thought.

  July 19, 2002

To London And Back - L33T

It's pretty sad when my first update for the day is about a cat stowaway who logged 63,000 air miles over a ten-day period. He had hidden himself away in the tail of the plane. When the airlines finally found the damn thing, he was turned black from all the oil and was stick thin. However, British Airways still insists that "he is a very lucky cat." After a week and a half of darkness, oil, and little food (Ozzy, the cat, had apparently snacked lightly on the airline crew's sandwiches when they weren't looking), I would be begging for ole death to come a knockin'. And if I heard ANYONE call me lucky after that ordeal, I'd be forced to beat the living daylights out of the offender.

Has more frequent flyer miles than he'd like to even think about using...

  July 18, 2002

Speaking Of Captain Planet... - L33T

Ok, one more pot-shot at the old Democratic Party. I mentioned Captain Planet in the last post and it reminded me of a discussion I had a few weeks ago with a good friend of mine. Who of you reading this enjoyed Captain Planet when you were younger? That's right, you know you did. Anyway, it dawned upon us that Captain Planet was quite possibly the biggest piece of liberal-crap-on-conservative-propaganda ever created. Five kids of different ethnic backgrounds come together to fight the big corporations whose only goal is to wreck and destroy the planet for the sole purpose of turning a profit... Starting to see any propaganda parallels? At least that program showed what political party I would become affiliated with early on in life... I was always cheering for the corporate slime. Go Captain Planet, my ass.

Captain Planet Sucks
That costume just screams Child Molestor

  July 18, 2002

Please, Make The Bleeding Stop - L33T

It's official: America CARES TOO MUCH. Impossible, you say? Well let me confront you with this prime piece of evidence.

Zacarias Moussaoui, the only person charged as a Sept. 11 conspirator, attempted to plead guilty Thursday to new federal charges that could bring him the death penalty. But the judge – in a rare bench ruling – insisted he take a week to think about it.

What the hell is that judge thinking? I mean, the guy says, and this is a direct quote, that he is "a member of al-Qaida" and has pledged himself to Osama bin Laden. What more does the freakin' judge want? Now, see, I'll bet liberals all over the country are getting that warm fuzzy feeling while reading this tremendous mound of giraffe spunk. Damn over-bearing-care-bear-stare-captain-planet-pieces-of-crap...

  July 18, 2002

Hehe... - L33T

I've got some decent updates planned for today. Until I get around to them, check this out. *pleased grin* See? I knew you'd like it.

  July 16, 2002

It's Scary Story Time With Uncle L33T, Kids - L33T

When I was in high school, there was a certain group of what I will term lightly as "misfits." Basically, if you took all of the oddballs and insane-type weirdos from every high school in Louisiana, put them in the same room, gave the assembled group an official title thereby indulging their unsatiable desire to be freaky-ass, and elected officers for them, you would have what we dealt with as a student body. This group was dubbed The Conclave Of Science Fiction and Fantasy. We just called them the Clave. Now, they pretty much kept to their business of ritual shoe worshiping (you laugh, but I swear upon all that is holy that's a true story) and weird dressing (mostly black with a few Jedi Knight-type robes mixed in) and we non-Clavers kept to ourselves. No big deal. However, once in awhile, the student body was forced to look upon them and their activities. Such activites included real-life roleplaying (foam weaponry and all) and dress-up-type-days for previously-mentioned real-life roleplaying. So, we had thirty dwarves, elves, vampires, etc. all scurrying around hitting each other and yelling "2 damage!!" in an extremely fake English accent ALL FREAKING DAY! Now, why am I relating this tale of horror to you, the masses? Well, because the whole dress-up-like-a-vampire thing seems to not be enough for certain oddballs, and I just think you should be aware that people like this exist. This certain freaky-ass kid decided to slaughter some old lady because, while others had quit roleplaying, this guy was still in the game. He actually believed that killing a 90-year-old woman would grant him immortality as a vampire. So, the next time one of his foam-sword-wielding buddies hit him and shouted the ritual "2 damage!!" he could shrug it off because he was a true-to-life vampire... Dumbass.

*Sighs and steps off the soapbox* Alright, that post is confusing enough. Enjoy trying to sift through that mindless babble. It's late.. Sue me.

  July 16, 2002

For Lack Of A Better Word... Dis-freakin-gusting - L33T

Well, we have another hot news item to discuss. It appears that Canada now has another strike against it.. The first being general global news apathy and the second being that I have a friend who fooled us all into believing he was Canadian when he was really screwing with us the whole time... Not Canada's fault, but still.. Anyway, the new reason NOT to visit Canada is because this guy lives there. What is up with people who are into beastiality letting their proverbial dog out in public? Ok, I am personally disgusted by wanting to nail any sort of animal (unless you are of the species, yourself), and I try to block out the fact that some sick assholes are actually into that sort of thing. But for the love of Pete, if you are one of those sick, twisted souls who thinks that Ms. Piggy is, and I quote, "one fine piece of ass," please attempt to keep your sodomizing of her to the confines of your own home... Thanks.. Weirdos.

  July 15, 2002

This Blows Goats... Somewhat - L33T

Today, the dollar has fallen below parity with the Euro. It really blows because now my planned trip to Europe in five years is, for the moment, going to cost me even more up the ass than it would have if I'd just sucked it up and gone yesterday. However, I can now export my cases of American-made items (I wasn't aware that we produced out own items) at a cheaper rate, so.. you know. Yeah, it still blows goats. Anyway, I guess I'll take this time to plug a song I just got a hold of yesterday through a good friend. It's called "Short Skirt Long Jacket" by Cake. The riff is hardcore. Go download and enjoy, my little L33ters.

  July 14, 2002

Moral Issues - L33T

I have a question: Is it morally correct for me to knock on the now-nasty-looking Michael Jackson (better known as Jacko) and then participate in watching part of the Michael Jackson marathon on VH1? Ok, ok, I'm a corporate whore. Sue me. I sure as hell enjoyed MJ when he was getting his Thriller and Billy Jean on... Those were the good old days. Before all the nose jobs, child molestations, and general all-around king-of-weirdness crap he began portraying. So... am I still ok? Or is my soul condemned to the eternal flame for my incessant flip-flopping? Help me, dear readers, you're my only hope.

  July 14, 2002

Let's Make This Last Forever - L33T

Sorry about the lack of weekend updates. Truthfully, I can't find anything fun to talk about. You may want to drop by the featured site of the moment, PVPonline.com and take a look at the past few days. There have been a few incidents involving The Phantom Mooner that I find absolutely hilarious. You kids be good now, I'll think of some good stuff to post soon. Oh yeah, and check out the group Zero 7... They're hardcore.

  July 12, 2002

*Sniff* I Really Do Care - L33T

A friend of mine brought up the Janet Jackson-Justin Timberlake thing again tonight and I felt compelled to post what was said. Justin Timberlake, while he is a symbol of what is morally wrong with the U.S., is indeed the luckiest man alive. I mean, how many guys can say they've nailed both Britney Spears AND Janet Jackson? I'm sorry, if I were him, I would just commit suicide because it can't get any better than he's already had it. Justin, if you're reading this, I'm serious about the suicide thing. You should look into it. Lucky bastard...

  July 12, 2002

They Drew First Blood - L33T

Man, today's a slow news day. Or maybe it's a big one and I'm just missing out. The biggest piece of gossip/idiocy I've heard all day consists of the following: Justin Timberlake (you know, one of the N'Sync Androids) is now dating Janet Jackson (you know, the noseless wonder's hot-ass sister). Fun, but I'm just not in the mood to bash Janet right now. So, instead, I've posted what I have thus far of my essays. It's only one and it isn't very long, but I figure you guys deserve it. You've been good little troopers thus far. No one's e-mailed me to curse me out or severely chastise me for anything I've written, so thanks. Oh, and I may be looking to throw a couple people onto my staff (and I mean that in the most platonic way possible) soon. So, if any of you feel like being a part of my insane little world and have some decent writing ability, get some samples together. I'm in serious deliberations right now... Enjoy the essay.

  July 11, 2002

"Hello, Kids, Kermit The HIV-Positive Frog Here..." - L33T

As a small child, my mother could put me in front of Sesame Street and I wouldn't move for a solid hour. And for that entire hour the only propaganda I was faced with came in the form of simple letters, numbers, and shapes (with the occasional Public-Broadcasting plug thrown in). No politics, debates, or any sort of controversial issues thrown in to confuse the my small, two-year-old mind. However, the liberals have proven that they are alive and well once again. Apparently it is time for Sesame Street to introduce an HIV-Positive muppet... My God. Alright, kids, today we're going to learn not one, not two, but THREE letters! The first is the letter... H. H as in Human... That's what you at home are: Human. The next letter is the letter I. That's I as in Immunodeficiency. Umm... Just trust me, that's what it stands for. And the last letter we'll learn today is the letter V! That's right, kids, V as in Virus, which is what Old-Needles Ned, here, has. *shakes head* How much more diluted can society get? The introduction of an HIV-Positive muppet will only bring about one result. Confusion of the audience. Actually, thinking back, I suppose any of those characters way back when could have been HIV-positive and my still-forming mind would never have noticed. I've got two words for ya: BERT AND ERNIE. *Sigh* Sad times.. Sad times...

  July 11, 2002

Bad Idea, Really Really Good Idea - L33T

The Pamplona Bull Run has always confused a perplexed me. What do people find fun about running away from being trampled? I definitely understand the fun of watching it (I mean, bulls trampling people=funny), but actually participating just blows my mind. I think that the Pamplona Bull Run would be made much more incredibly cool if people like Chelsea Clinton, Janet Reno, and ole Jacko were the only participants. I mean, we could see which ugly, stupid one survives. However, at the end of the run I would suggest a line of gunmen to finish the job that the bulls didn't get around to. Personal opinion only.

Bull #1) "Dude, I just ran over Janet Reno.. You know, for being genderless she sure does scream like a girl.."
Bull #2) Uh... They all do that, Frank.
Bull #1) Oh.... yeah.... Well, let's go trample Michael Jackson and that Clinton kid now.

  July 11, 2002

More From The Proverbial Ugly Tree - L33T

Just when I thought I'd seen enough truly scary-looking people in 24 hours... I had to go and click this link. Ok, look, I almost feel sorry for this kid. It's not her fault that her hideousness is such a national issue. It's not her fault her cigar-loving father went and made their family a household name (even more so than the average leader of the free world). But still... She's working to make the environment SAFER for the kids... Uh.. Does she realize that she's actually damaging the children she's helping? How many fifth grade classrooms she's visited have been left with desks full of stone statues of children? Sad times.. Sad times...

  July 10, 2002

We don't HATE you... Well, actually, we do - L33T

Is Michael Jackson kidding? Now the odd-nosed wonder is claiming that people hate him because he "outsold Elvis." Yeah, that's right, Mikey. We don't hate you because you were once cool and then went all freaky-ass on us. Nooooo... The public today hates you for outselling a guy that the mainstream pop-culture crowd of the present wasn't even alive to experience. Ole Mike just needs to wake up and smell his own oddness... Waaaaiiit... That's it! He can't SMELL his own oddness because his nose is so.. Ok, I'll stop. Happy hump day, all. Oh, and Jacko? You're ugly, man.

  July 10, 2002

Gaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy... And The Ugly Tree - L33T

In much more I-don't-want-to-look-mommy news, Janet Reno, the end-be-all of gender-guesses, is now, as I'm sure most of you have heard, running for governor of Florida. Good for her... err.. him... Oh hell, fine, it. Anyway, IT just finished addressing a lesbian and gay caucus. Funny stuff actually. I mean, most politicians can relate to at least one section of the general public on the whole sexual-orientation issue. But dang.. What if you're Janet Reno? If I were gay, I still don't think I could touch that thing with a ten-foot pole. I mean, not to be picky, but I would like to be able to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt whether or not I'm with a man or a woman. Janet, some advice, just go back to Barnum and Bailey and leave the providing of political humor to other, less offensive-looking people. Thanks. Oh, and about that Real-Life Janet's Dance Party crap... Sick, babe... real sick...

The face only a mother (saskwatch) could love

  July 9, 2002

Vacation To Britain Anyone? - L33T

Wow, Britain just keeps looking better and better. Now they're relaxing the Mary Jane laws. My future plans to buy a flat in England have now been solidified. I mean, I personally don't smoke the stuff, but to some of my friends, smoking weed is just an understood part of a social gathering. So, at least at my flat in Europe, I won't get arrested for them being as high as Kareem Abdul Jabar on stilts. Ok, bad example...

  July 9, 2002

I Think I'm In Love - L33T

Ok, usually, I don't watch very much television. However, I have found one show that is one of the coolest, funniest, and all-around most entertaining ever. It's the single show that I make a point of trying to tape and watch every day... Thus, it is with great, unadulterated pleasure, that I recommend... TAILDATERS.


The show is set up as follows:

1) One socially-inept man/woman is set up to go on a date with a socially-ept member of the opposite gender.

2) The producers of the show go find two friends for each of the contestants. These are the contestants' "Taildaters."

3) Socially-inept goes on a date with socially-ept, while the friends look on from the stakeout bus.. The friends make comments and suggestions as the date goes along through the use of pagers.

Basically, it's dating with real-time advice. There have been instances in which a friend even left the stakeout bus to completely take over for his inept buddy.. Hehe... Rock on. Rock on. Anyway, that's one of the best shows on MTV right now, so GO WATCH IT!

  July 7, 2002

Poor Neglected Children - L33T

Alright, you guys, I'm finally back. I went on hiatus for a week in order to procure some much needed dough. Let me just say this about my work week: Anybody even remotely considering running a fireworks stand 4th of July weekend is OFF THEIR ROCKER. I have never been so exhausted, both physically and mentally. I had to set up the ENTIRE tent at the beginning and take it all down on the last day. Mostly because the other two guys (I say guys, they were 16) hired to help were complete and utter morons. Here's a basic overview of my experience with the bigger dumbass of the two:

ME: I'm only going to ask you to stop standing over my freaking shoulder one more time. Go do something useful... Like go home.
DUMB HO #1: Uhhh... Why can't I run the cash register? *scratches his head*
ME: Number one, you're not 18. And number two, do you think that I'm going to trust you with thousands of dollars in cash and hours upon hours of making change for people when you don't even understand the concept of flattening a simple cardboard box?
DUMB HO #1: Cardboard boxes?
ME: *Looking at the enormous pile of unflattened empty cardboard boxes in the middle of the tent* Exactly... Now shut up.

I swear, it took all of my willpower not to smack that guy in his goofy-retard-grinning face. Oh, and he wouldn't shut up about his girlfriend being so hot. So, finally I get to see a picture of her. She's the same girl that gave me her number at the bookstore a week ago. Girlfriend indeed. If she is, I don't give it too much longer before she finally figures out (as she seems to be starting to) that he is an immature life-form devoid of any sort of human qualities whatsoever. Oh well, a week of putting up with his complete idiocy made me a thousand dollars richer, so I figure it was at least worth it a little... Nah, I should've smacked him. Some other time perhaps.

And on one last note, I applied for a writing position at Badassmofo.com... That would be so hardcore. This site would definitely feel the brunt of such a move, however. You're readings would come mostly in the form of updates on BAMF.com. Now, now, don't cry. I don't even have the position yet. But if I do, be prepared to start reading elsewhere. It'll be the same kind of useless yet humorous garbage that this site has been providing. In fact, Badassmofo.com is definitely a big influence on what this site offers by way of updates. I'd just be sorry to virtually end this little project... Don't worry, I'll still update this site with rants and essays (I have a couple of those in the works, by the way as a part of my new novel I'm working on). So, enjoy this site as much as you can just in case a switch gets made.


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